God Almighty!

God is not MIA

2008-01-07T21:18:00.000Z

But I am taking questions.

Jed?

Gad Fact #2357

2006-10-18T16:42:00.000Z

Yes, GOD has big boobs.
GOD also does not wear a bra.

Another reason to bring up bunnies

2006-06-22T14:32:00.000Z

I sometimes find myself doing unintentionally cruel things to make a point . To wit:

Last night a woman was driving home on a dark, country road, when she spied a young rabbit dart out in front of her car. The woman was driving below the speed limit, and was able to slow down her vehicle in order to allow the young rabbit safe passage. She felt a sense of relief until the young rabbit darted back across the road. She swerved, but to no avail. Peter Rabbit hopped swiftly and almost maniacally into her back wheels.

Cruel of me?

I suppose. But I have to make the point that we don't really control life and death. Surely some folks take quicker routes to death, but the destination is the same.

Jed wants to know why the world seems so screwed up?

I kind of take that personally, Jed. But I AM in the process of answering that very question.

Things in this world often seem screwed up because humans don't have control over everything--including each other. You humans are merely caretakers on this big blue ball, not the property owner. I'm not even sure if I have the title on the place.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is there isn't anything screwed up about the world, only the people in it. Some folks try and avoid tragedy like it's a bill collector; but tragedy will eventually run smack dab into your wheels, no matter what you do to avoid it.

I suppose that sucks for you humans, not unlike it sucked for that screwy rabbit.
Or your little bird.

Anne, no need to call me Sir. I'm no more male than female. I'm both and neither. God Almighty will do just fine. I do my best to delegate. Like giving you all care of the planet Earth and your own fates. But then you all drop the ball on the environment or complain about the responsibility or blame Satan or ME for things that don't work out for you. [sigh]

Oh, and I AM GOD ALMIGHTY DAMMIT! If I want a tan; I get a tan.

Remember, God loves you... most of the time.

Divine is just a 6-letter word

2006-06-18T17:42:00.000Z

God (that's ME) misses you all.
God has been on a leave of absence.
God has a tan.

If you think you have a personal relationship with ME, think again.
God would have more "friends" on MySpace than anyone else on MySpace if God had a MySpace account.
God says, "With friends like that..."

God likes to refer to HERSELF/HIMSELF in the third person.
Everyone else does.

God is taking questions.

I speak through Terry Jones

2006-03-25T20:29:00.000Z

It should be noted that many of you are worried about the troubles with American politicians, forgetting that an entire world exists. And in this world, other people are also fretting over the indigenous political climate.

Take Terry Jones (for whom I have absolute warmth and affection--he is not unlike a bunny in my estimation). I spoke through him recently.

Sources close to the archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty as "hopping mad ... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public Himself, owing to the MMW agreement" (a reference to the long-established Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat).

Take note George W. Bush: I have never spoken through you. I do not direct your actions. You will get yours in the end (so be especially careful when bending over).

God Answers Jed's MEME, and Promptly Smites Him

2006-03-19T04:09:00.000Z

What were YOU doing 10 years ago?
Everything

What were YOU doing 1 year ago?
See the last question

Let us remember that time is merely a concept set forth by humans to advance the nincompoopery that humans have some type of control over the universe. Questions like, "What time is it?" have always puzzled ME. If it's 5:00 PM in New York; it's 10:00 PM in London and 6:00 AM the next day in Hong Kong. People cross time zones in airplanes and don't think much of it. They pass days and months and years without ever examining themselves or those around them. They don't really think about too much of anything and then they die. Damn shame if you ask ME, all of you running around thinking you're late for this or that, talking about the good old days when things were "better" than the are now. Better for who? 10 years ago a child born into a middle-class family in Baghdad actually had a better chance at a safe and healthy existence than she did last year or today.

Time. When? What? Whatever. I'M not going to give you all a physics lesson today.

Five snacks YOU enjoy:
I'M GOD ALMIGHTY! I don't snack.

Five songs to which YOU know all the lyrics:
I'M GOD ALMIGHTY! I know the words to all songs. There are billions of songs, and most of them are crap, so I only really focus in a few million of them or so.

Five things YOU would do if you were a millionaire:
This is a joke, right?

Five bad habits:

Procrastination
I cheat at cards
I read the last page of books before I start them as if I didn't know what was going to happen anyway
Allowing the whole "Free Will" thing to go on without putting down MY foot
Not listening

Five things YOU like doing:

Creating DNA strings

Making bees fly

Playing with bunnies

Beating Odin at 20 questions (HE's good)

Fishing

Five things YOU would never wear again:
Um... seriously...

Five favorite toys:
I don't know about this question since, well, I'M GOD ALMIGHTY. But I have always been fond of the idea of Hula-Hoops.

NOTE: I'm not really going to smite Jed. It just sounded good in the title.

I Am Thinking

2006-02-22T09:56:00.000Z

Do not despair my bleating sheep (especially you Tennessee Jed). I have questions to answer, and I would like to ruminate upon these particular queries. I know you don't have all the time in the world, but I do (a little Supreme Being humor... laugh already!). I will be with you soon.

While you wait, read up on the sculptor, Auguste Rodin.

You may be tested later.

GOD says, "Eff a bunch of Ann Coulter" and encourages folks to think about bunnies and global warming

2006-02-18T01:01:00.000Z

newscoma writes...

Dear God,
Is the Powerball really out of the question?
Also, can I be liberal and Christian, or is that out of the question just like those woman Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter always say.
I hope you get over being angry. That sort of wigs me out because you are like, sorta in charge of weather and disasters.
Tell Jesus Hi.

Dear Newscoma,

I try to stay away from things like the lottery. Gets folks pissed off at me. But you go ahead and have your fun. Just remember, winning isn't everything.
Yes, you can be both. What the hell does Ann Coulter know? I don't see her beating a path to the nunnery or leading anything resembling a "Christian lifestyle." (More on Christian Lifestyles at a later date... I'm about to get really worked up here... shaking it off... thinking about bunnies... ahh bunnies... bunnies are good... have you folks ever checked out Cute Overload? Lots of bunnies there... but I digress...)
I'm God Almighty! I get to be angry just like everybody else. Think about when Gods like Zeus or Odin got angry (shout out to Zeus and Odin). All sorts of crap went on when they had people in their camp. Sheesh! I mean, at least they had other Gods helping them out. Something to be said for delegating responsibilities. I've tended to be a bit of a micromanager. These days I'm trying to think outside of the box. A little God 2.0 if you will. So yeah, I have some anger issues, but I'm working on it. Thanks for the concern, but there's no need to worry. As far as the weather goes, I'd be far more concerned about the effects of global warming than anything I'm apt to come up with.
Jesus says, "Hey back atcha!"

I Answer

2006-02-17T17:21:00.000Z

Tennessee Jed said...

God, this is Jed here, asking for a little more love and the rest will be ok. I know, I know I am always asking for shit, but I deserve it as much as Dick Cheney and he gets some nice breaks in this life. I don't care if I have to have a gay daughter to get some cool stuff. I mean we would have more in common since we both would like women and stuff. I don't mind gay folks at all as long as they are not always talking about the subject and trying to convert me. While I am at it I don't mind followers of any religion as long as they don't do the same afore mentioned conversation domination. Just send more love soon please.
Amen

Jed: God here. I know it's been a while since I really checked in. Not to say I haven't been around... because I've been around. And not to say that I haven't been checking in... because I have been checking in. You just don't always seem to notice. There was a time when you or anybody else not noticing would have sent me off the deep end, but these days it just seems selfish to throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat.

Love, eh? Is love really lacking in your daily diet? I thought I'd made sure to surround you with lots of it (maybe I need to check your file). Of course, I have taken the liberty of tossing a lot of shit at your proverbial fan as well. There's a sort of Zen to this tactic: show the boy what love isn't, and he'll be a lot more able to recognize and appreciate what love is. It's funny though: I toss a truck load of coal on you and add a pint of diamonds, and all you worry and fret over is the coal dust dirtying your hands. You've got a pint of diamonds son!

Do you really think old Dick is getting all the love? (I'll have more on that in a later answer, but it's worth asking at this particular moment.) You aren't equating love with wealth are you? I hope not. Although, I guess I went and did it when I spoke of coal and diamonds--but it's such a good analogy. OK. Let's change the analogy then.

Alan Watts, in one of his trippy dippy books on Eastern philosophy and Zen, talked about the necessity of the negative space using stars in the night sky as an example. All those pretty stars are up in the sky, day and night, but you can't see them in the day time. It takes the murky blackness of a night sky to set off the twinkle and shine of the big dipper. The point is, you wouldn't really see the worth of love, the necessity of love, if you just had a big blue sky full of stars you couldn't see for all the sunshine. The Buddha learned this all on his own in a manner, growing up sheltered and all. Learned that getting right down there in all the dust and dirt was the surest way to finally come across some sort of true enlightenment, some sort of true and crazy diamond.

Jed, today, I want you to take a good, hard look at that coal pile and look for the diamonds. Look up at the sky tonight and appreciate the stars shining down on you. Take a look at your life and find all the precious instances of love shining out from all the dark spaces. Then get back to me. I'll be around. Oh, and by the way--gay folk aren't trying to convert you, Jed, not any more than you've tried to "convert" some pretty woman to follow you home a time or two or three in your life. It's a guy thing, Jed. I hard wired you all that way. Deal with it. If some man still finds you pretty enough to poke, take it as a compliment, smile, and move on.

By the way. Thanks for the plug.

Next up: I answer the question, "can I be liberal and Christian?"

I AM

2006-02-15T03:33:00.000Z

Angry