Monday, January 07, 2008

God is not MIA

But I am taking questions.


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Gad Fact #2357

Yes, GOD has big boobs.
GOD also does not wear a bra.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Another reason to bring up bunnies

I sometimes find myself doing unintentionally cruel things to make a point . To wit:

Last night a woman was driving home on a dark, country road, when she spied a young rabbit dart out in front of her car. The woman was driving below the speed limit, and was able to slow down her vehicle in order to allow the young rabbit safe passage. She felt a sense of relief until the young rabbit darted back across the road. She swerved, but to no avail. Peter Rabbit hopped swiftly and almost maniacally into her back wheels.

Cruel of me?

I suppose. But I have to make the point that we don't really control life and death. Surely some folks take quicker routes to death, but the destination is the same.

Jed wants to know why the world seems so screwed up?

I kind of take that personally, Jed. But I AM in the process of answering that very question.

Things in this world often seem screwed up because humans don't have control over everything--including each other. You humans are merely caretakers on this big blue ball, not the property owner. I'm not even sure if I have the title on the place.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is there isn't anything screwed up about the world, only the people in it. Some folks try and avoid tragedy like it's a bill collector; but tragedy will eventually run smack dab into your wheels, no matter what you do to avoid it.

I suppose that sucks for you humans, not unlike it sucked for that screwy rabbit.
Or your little bird.

Anne, no need to call me Sir. I'm no more male than female. I'm both and neither. God Almighty will do just fine. I do my best to delegate. Like giving you all care of the planet Earth and your own fates. But then you all drop the ball on the environment or complain about the responsibility or blame Satan or ME for things that don't work out for you. [sigh]

Oh, and I AM GOD ALMIGHTY DAMMIT! If I want a tan; I get a tan.

Remember, God loves you... most of the time.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Divine is just a 6-letter word

God (that's ME) misses you all.
God has been on a leave of absence.
God has a tan.

If you think you have a personal relationship with ME, think again.
God would have more "friends" on MySpace than anyone else on MySpace if God had a MySpace account.
God says, "With friends like that..."

God likes to refer to HERSELF/HIMSELF in the third person.
Everyone else does.

God is taking questions.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I speak through Terry Jones

It should be noted that many of you are worried about the troubles with American politicians, forgetting that an entire world exists. And in this world, other people are also fretting over the indigenous political climate.

Take Terry Jones (for whom I have absolute warmth and affection--he is not unlike a bunny in my estimation). I spoke through him recently.
Sources close to the archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty as "hopping mad ... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public Himself, owing to the MMW agreement" (a reference to the long-established Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat).

Take note George W. Bush: I have never spoken through you. I do not direct your actions. You will get yours in the end (so be especially careful when bending over).

Sunday, March 19, 2006

God Answers Jed's MEME, and Promptly Smites Him

What were YOU doing 10 years ago?

What were YOU doing 1 year ago?
See the last question

Let us remember that time is merely a concept set forth by humans to advance the nincompoopery that humans have some type of control over the universe. Questions like, "What time is it?" have always puzzled ME. If it's 5:00 PM in New York; it's 10:00 PM in London and 6:00 AM the next day in Hong Kong. People cross time zones in airplanes and don't think much of it. They pass days and months and years without ever examining themselves or those around them. They don't really think about too much of anything and then they die. Damn shame if you ask ME, all of you running around thinking you're late for this or that, talking about the good old days when things were "better" than the are now. Better for who? 10 years ago a child born into a middle-class family in Baghdad actually had a better chance at a safe and healthy existence than she did last year or today.

Time. When? What? Whatever. I'M not going to give you all a physics lesson today.

Five snacks YOU enjoy:
I'M GOD ALMIGHTY! I don't snack.

Five songs to which YOU know all the lyrics:
I'M GOD ALMIGHTY! I know the words to all songs. There are billions of songs, and most of them are crap, so I only really focus in a few million of them or so.

Five things YOU would do if you were a millionaire:
This is a joke, right?

Five bad habits:
  1. Procrastination
  2. I cheat at cards
  3. I read the last page of books before I start them as if I didn't know what was going to happen anyway
  4. Allowing the whole "Free Will" thing to go on without putting down MY foot
  5. Not listening

Five things YOU like doing:
  1. Creating DNA strings
  2. Making bees fly
  3. Playing with bunnies
  4. Beating Odin at 20 questions (HE's good)
  5. Fishing

Five things YOU would never wear again:
Um... seriously...

Five favorite toys:
I don't know about this question since, well, I'M GOD ALMIGHTY. But I have always been fond of the idea of Hula-Hoops.

NOTE: I'm not really going to smite Jed. It just sounded good in the title.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I Am Thinking

Do not despair my bleating sheep (especially you Tennessee Jed). I have questions to answer, and I would like to ruminate upon these particular queries. I know you don't have all the time in the world, but I do (a little Supreme Being humor... laugh already!). I will be with you soon.

While you wait, read up on the sculptor, Auguste Rodin.

You may be tested later.